its hard to be mad while listening to frank sinatra and buddy holly but I’m managing to do it
police: 911 whats your emergency?
me: um, someone in my building is playing dubstep very loud even though its 2014.
my niece took a shit and she yelled “gramma! babe! I pooped!” and my god did she ever. my mom is so proud of her
"you’re an adult now"
"you need to choose a career"
"you need to make your own doctor’s appointment"
"your meat is huge and you look good as hell"
I napped while listening to buddy Holly and frank Sinatra and I woke up in such a good mood!!
My mom asked me if I ever will stop having “extra skin” on my belly. She meant my stretch marks. Who says that to someone.